Ashamed!

I am ashamed of myself. I have been supposedly trying to step out, be brave and not be afraid of failure, and all the while I tell myself (quite convincingly, apparently) that I won't say some things (especially about God or the Bible) because of the fear of having to substantiate it or the fear of someone denying the Truth, thus making me stand out even more as a misfit. How pathetic is that? When am I going to REALLY step out? I have a solid faith. I always have. So why can't I bring myself to share it? Well, for one thing, faith is so... intangible! I KNOW for a FACT that God is real. But I cannot prove it to someone who is determined not to see. God has done so much to prove Himself (Romans 1:18-25) but so many refuse to see. Instead, they want to start arguments. Those arguments worry me because the person who is using them has obviously already decided not to see what's obvious. I get determined to PROVE it to them (I don't want to see them lost for eternity) and I end up stressed, upset and, of course, find myself unable to pry their eyes open. In other words, I fail. In the recent past, when I find myself suddenly involved in this kind of situation, I simply realize that these people are demanding to remain blind and so I allow it. I say something to reassure them that if they really WANT to open their eyes, I'll be happy to talk to them about it. But very few have taken me up on it. I refuse to argue with a blind person about something as obvious as the color of a stop sign. OK, so this is probably the correct way of handling things. But I still feel that I've failed (and yet, even God can't convince them - but He's not a failure). So it's easier to simply keep my mouth (or keyboard) shut on certain subjects.

Admittedly I worry too much about how others perceive me. I even find myself worrying about how I come across to the person across the aisle from me in the store or other drivers on the street. I've often pretended to be something I'm not, simply because I worry about what someone might think of me. I see all these great quotes about how it shouldn't matter what others think of you and about how what really matters is what YOU think of you (which puts me back in the doghouse right off). But it hit me yesterday, it DOES matter! If it REALLY didn't matter, a good reputation wouldn't get you anywhere. If it REALLY didn't matter, it wouldn't matter who you choose to hang out with. But it DOES matter. So now I have to find the reality of what does matter about others' opinions and what doesn't. Not an easy line to find.

To those of you who may consider me wishy-washy, I apologize! I see where I've been so very wrong and it's my prayer that God will make me bold for Him. If anyone sees me hiding behind generalities or pretending again, please call it to my attention. I need to find that correct place to stand. Not trying to say things to hurt or anger people, but not being afraid to tell the Truth either. I'll admit, it scares me to death! I feel like I'm walking into the wilderness. I know the water will be there, but I have no proof to show the people who think I'm being stupid going in without water. And it DOES matter what they think about me, because it's my deepest desire that those exact people could open their eyes and see what God has done for me, for them and for the world to save them from an eternity of hell.

Watch for the new thing I am going to do. It is happening already---you can see it now! I will make a road through the wilderness and give you streams of water there. Isaiah 43:19 GNB