Ashamed!

I am ashamed of myself. I have been supposedly trying to step out, be brave and not be afraid of failure, and all the while I tell myself (quite convincingly, apparently) that I won't say some things (especially about God or the Bible) because of the fear of having to substantiate it or the fear of someone denying the Truth, thus making me stand out even more as a misfit. How pathetic is that? When am I going to REALLY step out? I have a solid faith. I always have. So why can't I bring myself to share it? Well, for one thing, faith is so... intangible! I KNOW for a FACT that God is real. But I cannot prove it to someone who is determined not to see. God has done so much to prove Himself (Romans 1:18-25) but so many refuse to see. Instead, they want to start arguments. Those arguments worry me because the person who is using them has obviously already decided not to see what's obvious. I get determined to PROVE it to them (I don't want to see them lost for eternity) and I end up stressed, upset and, of course, find myself unable to pry their eyes open. In other words, I fail. In the recent past, when I find myself suddenly involved in this kind of situation, I simply realize that these people are demanding to remain blind and so I allow it. I say something to reassure them that if they really WANT to open their eyes, I'll be happy to talk to them about it. But very few have taken me up on it. I refuse to argue with a blind person about something as obvious as the color of a stop sign. OK, so this is probably the correct way of handling things. But I still feel that I've failed (and yet, even God can't convince them - but He's not a failure). So it's easier to simply keep my mouth (or keyboard) shut on certain subjects.

Admittedly I worry too much about how others perceive me. I even find myself worrying about how I come across to the person across the aisle from me in the store or other drivers on the street. I've often pretended to be something I'm not, simply because I worry about what someone might think of me. I see all these great quotes about how it shouldn't matter what others think of you and about how what really matters is what YOU think of you (which puts me back in the doghouse right off). But it hit me yesterday, it DOES matter! If it REALLY didn't matter, a good reputation wouldn't get you anywhere. If it REALLY didn't matter, it wouldn't matter who you choose to hang out with. But it DOES matter. So now I have to find the reality of what does matter about others' opinions and what doesn't. Not an easy line to find.

To those of you who may consider me wishy-washy, I apologize! I see where I've been so very wrong and it's my prayer that God will make me bold for Him. If anyone sees me hiding behind generalities or pretending again, please call it to my attention. I need to find that correct place to stand. Not trying to say things to hurt or anger people, but not being afraid to tell the Truth either. I'll admit, it scares me to death! I feel like I'm walking into the wilderness. I know the water will be there, but I have no proof to show the people who think I'm being stupid going in without water. And it DOES matter what they think about me, because it's my deepest desire that those exact people could open their eyes and see what God has done for me, for them and for the world to save them from an eternity of hell.

Watch for the new thing I am going to do. It is happening already---you can see it now! I will make a road through the wilderness and give you streams of water there. Isaiah 43:19 GNB

Continued Fails!

I haven't stopped failing! Just because I haven't written in awhile doesn't mean I don't have much to write about. Actually, it means that SOME of the failures have involved people who probably will never read this blog, but the possibility exists... and therefore I can't post it at the time or go into much detail at all. Suffice it to say that I haven't always remembered to jump in and fail, but I have remembered on occasion. My goal at this time is to remember more than I forget. Of course, at age 48, it's not easy to remember ANYTHING!

Sometimes I fail to speak up. Sometimes I fail to put pride behind me when I do speak. Sometimes I fail to do some things and sometimes I fail by something I have done. Thankfully, God forgives, loves and continues to push me forward.

Right now I'm in the middle of my annual winter organizing kick. Sometime after Christmas, I get this sudden urge to clean and organize. It takes different shapes and forms, but it always seems to kick in once the Christmas celebrating is done. Until recent years it always included buying a three-ring-binder! I now have enough 3-ring binders to fill a shelf on our bookshelf. But as my focus has been on cleaning, a friend reminded me of a bargain I'd failed on (thanks, Darla, and I don't mean that sarcastically!!!)

About a year ago I made a deal with my Mom. I blogged on it right here! And guess what! I failed. But I'm not giving up!!!! I've decided to put aside my cleaning and try to finish my VBS programs - they're very close to being done. I tend to do that a lot. I get something ALMOST finished and am so afraid of messing up at the end, or realizing later I wanted to do something different that I simply don't finish. What is it about a finished project that scares me so much? ANYWAY, I will be bringing up these programs, checking them over for errors and finishing them up! By mid February I will be taking them to their intended audience - small churches with no budget for a VBS program - and trying to sell them for $30 apiece. That's such a scary thing to announce!!! Now I can be held accountable to that by more than Darla! ;-)

I remain, as always, God's failure.

Grandma!

This week I became a "Gramma"! My oldest daughter gave birth 3 and a half weeks early, but little Kaleb Stephen is quite healthy and weighed 5 pounds and 12 ounces at birth. I got to hold him when he was just a few hours old and believe me, it was love at first sight! Each time I've gone to visit them at the hospital I've nearly had to been dragged away to go home. I just love looking at him!! 


I remember feeling the same way about my own children - each of them! I wanted to sit and look at them forever! Even now, I enjoy it when I have the opportunity so just sit and stare at one of my children. Yet, I wonder what happened! When did I go from enjoying looking at them every minute of the day to only remembering to enjoy that now and then? When did this failure occur? Was it when I got busy raising them? Was it when they first yelled "NO!" at me? Did "staring time" get replaced by "schooling time"? I'm really not sure. All I know is, not only am I in love with my grandson, but I'm being reminded all over again to appreciate being in love with each of my children. They DO grow up so very fast, but that's no reason to forget to simply enjoy their presence! 


I really love you, my children!!!

Failing - big time - in a big way

I'm failing a friend. She's hurting and I know she is, but I don't know what to do about it. I've asked her what's wrong, and her answer is either, "nothing" or she tells me something minor that I know isn't big enough to be causing her to be as hurt/depressed/angry as she is. The problem is, I DO know one thing that's causing it, and she won't even give that as a reason. So I do what I'm used to doing. I pull away in self-protection and I go pray for her. Not that praying isn't a good thing! But the self-protection thing is wrong. 


I try to convince myself that I'm doing it to keep from hurting her more, but that's not the whole reason. I don't like to be hurt by her. So now that I realize that, what do I do different? I've tried talking to her! She doesn't want to talk. I've tried doing things with her, but it seems to have no effect - and she's not even been interested in doing things together now. I refuse to lose this friendship (we have close ties besides the friendship) but at this point, it looks like that's where it's trying to go. I watch her other friends and they seem to have the ability to push through to her. She's still hurting, but at least they get her to do things with them - and she enjoys them. I just wish I knew what I need to do to help. I don't think she needs me to pull away, but I don't seem to be able to help her with what she DOES need me to do.


And at this point I have 2 more friends who are also going through some huge struggles. I can't help them either. They have a strength I don't have, and they're sharing their burdens and I sit here and cry because all I can do for them is listen - which is the equivalent of picking up the lightest corner of their burden and pretending that's helping them. I know (and they know) that God is the one who will carry that burden for them, but I don't like the feeling of helplessness - especially when it comes to my very best friends.


Going to spend some extra time in prayer until I learn exactly what God wants me to do in these situations.

On becoming critical

I'm going out on a limb again. I'm ready to fail for Him. If I put this out there for everyone to see, everyone who reads this can help keep me accountable! This means I can't continue to do the same thing - I HAVE to change. And most likely I'll fail many times before I change my habit. So here it is!

I don't like the person I've been lately. I've let myself become cynical... and that has evolved into being critical. The problem with being critical is that in being critical, I've also become prideful! Not only am I cutting others down, but deep down, I find myself often being proud that I'm not as bad as they are!

Not that I haven't had good reason to be critical lately. Some "good Christians" that I have known for quite some time have... changed! They are now doing things that just a year ago I couldn't imagine them EVER doing. Some are lying. Some are being lustful. Some are even worse. When I take the time to sit back and think about what they are doing, I can't do anything but shake my head in wonder. But am I any better?

Today I drove from my parents' house to my house. And on the last 11 miles, I got stuck behind a local dump truck. Now I can deal with being behind a dump truck, going 40 mph in a 55 mph - even on highway 240 which has so many curves and hills that there's precious few places to pass. But when I'm behind a truck going 40 in a 55 and every time he comes to a passing zone, he drives down the MIDDLE OF THE ROAD to keep me from passing, I get critical! No, that's too mild. I got ANGRY! By the time I got to the place where I turned off, I was FURIOUS. I was so furious I was scared. Is this me? Is this who I really am? It sure isn't who I want to be. And sadly, this is no longer a rare emotion for me.

OK, so here it is. From this point on, I intend to try to catch myself before I become critical. I hereby give my friends and family permission to stop me if they catch me being critical and to remind me to compare the splinter in that person's eye to the log in my own eye before I say a thing!

Big Time Fail!

I'm writing this blog to announce what I've learned since my last post! Since I don't learn much, it won't be long! For those of you who have not read my blog from the beginning, I want to remind you what "God's Failure" means. I'm 47 years old and all my life I've been afraid to "mess up" to fail! Especially in something I'm doing for God. God finally woke me up with a simple question: Are you willing to fail for me? In other words, are you willing to do the difficult things - to step out of your comfort zone and TRY to do something, even if you fail? In saying "yes" I opened up a whole new area in my life.

Here's what I learned since my last post: if I'm not pushed forward by knowing I have a blog to write... if I'm not kept on the path, knowing that there are people who will hold me accountable... I stop trying! My last post was early October. I'm sure I stopped trying by the 15th!

I am eternally thankful to my daughter for continually telling me, "Mom, someone hasn't been updating her blog." Thank you, Lynn!!! Thank you for keeping on me, and thank you for not being afraid to tell me what to do. This post is for you! And because of you, I am going to TRY to get back to a fairly regular post.

A busy week of successes and failures

It's been a busy week. Actually two. There have been successes (me being me during a "Mom's Night Out" with other homeschooling Moms) and failures (This week's yard sale). Mostly it's been a week of me rediscovering who the real me is! I'm realizing that there have been people who have been "safe" enough that I've always pretty much been myself with (I'm sure you know who you are). As I'm figuring out how to correctly be God's Failure, these people won't likely notice much of a difference. Being around them has almost always been so freeing for me!

Thursday morning was the first day of the yard sale (selling my brother's things he had to leave behind when he moved to California so I could send him the money for it). I arrived at 7:30 and people were already coming (we open at 8 - it's in the newspaper and all of the signs). So we hurriedly got it all set and opened at 7:45. By the end of the day, my brother got a little more than $30 but my aunt and uncle had put things in this sale and they earned nearly $400! Friday's yard sale was different. Total for my brother AND aunt and uncle for the whole day was $59. Saturday was worse! On Saturday, someone STOLE one of my uncle's tools and we took in very little. I should have stopped on Thursday. By the end, my aunt and uncle STILL didn't make $400. My brother had only $96.

Thursday evening we got to visit with our friends at the park and that all was great.  Friday evening I went to the Homeschooling "Mom's Night Out". I decided/prayed ahead of time that I'd be myself and take chances (for you, taking chances might mean skydiving. For me, it means being brave enough to say what I think). Sure enough, I got to be myself. I spoke up on things and just had a great time... until I got home and sent an email thanking the hostess. I included a joke about a game we had played, and two days later I got an email from her that indicated that she didn't realize it was a joke. She thought I had been offended. I quickly wrote off an explanation and calmed her fears, but I felt awful that she'd not understood it was a joke.

It's finally Monday and this week looks to be a calm one. My newsletters are both written for this month, the yard sale is over and there appears to be nothing except a Homeschooling meeting where I can really screw things up. I'll keep you posted! :-)

Failures still come the easiest... and fastest!!

Why can't I just keep my mouth closed? Yes, God, I know, I said I'd be "me" even if it means failing for You. But to watch my dear daughter hurt... that makes me want to go back to being "safe".


Lynn started our conversation yesterday, asking if I'd heard about a situation. Instead of recognizing she was hurting over this situation, I jumped in with my opinion about the subject - summed up in so few words it sounded even worse than I meant it. Lynn shut down. I started asking her about it. Come to find out, she identified herself with this situation - on the side that I'd just criticized. And I had just slammed the door on the conversation. I tried to explain to her the difference between her and the situation, but she was finished talking about it. I wanted to beg God to reverse time! Especially when she told me a few facts of which I was unaware.


In the end, she accepted my apology and I think she saw the differences between herself and the situation, but I felt like she never completely got past my opinions. She did end up talking to me about how she felt, but sometimes you simply can't take back things you've said. You can't get back into going the right direction no matter what. Sometimes you can't get there from here. This was one of those times.

Error, error, error - Failed!

Yep, God’s failure failed! But I was willing to fail, and therefore I was able to let it go and not worry over.

I realize that this will seem small to most of you! You’ll read it and think, “Anyone could make that mistake. Why is she making such a big deal out of it?” Well, because I am me! For me, this was something I’d usually kick myself for over and over – and worry and blame myself for. And this kicking, worrying and blaming would usually last several WEEKS! I even hesitate to write this down. It actually happened about a week ago and I couldn’t bring myself to write it. You’ll have to drop your usual way of thinking and take this from someone who normally can’t forgive herself – not even for something as minuscule as this.

I discovered that a mistake had been sent to me for publication in one of the newsletters I write… and that I’d already published this mistake. We had somehow gotten someone’s birthday wrong. I didn’t know who had made the mistake. I didn’t care. All I knew was it wasn’t me. So I contacted the mother of this boy to get the correct information, then I sent out a correction to everyone via email. However, while I was correcting the boy’s birthday, I was thinking of the mother and so in my correction, I typed that we got {boy’s name}’s birthday incorrect. HER birthday is actually…

Someone caught it and emailed me right away. I KNEW he was a he! This mother has all boys! However I typed “she”. I was horrified at first, and started my usual routine of beating myself inwardly. But then I was reminded of what I’d determined – I’d jump in and do things – succeed or fail – for God. Suddenly it was simply what the rest of you see – an error! I corrected my correction and was able to move on without hating myself for weeks! So while I consider this a failure, I’m not ashamed of it like I usually would have been.

A Failure - Forgiven!

I woke up on Sunday morning and as I went in to have my time with God, I realized I’d not only skipped it on Saturday, but also Thursday and Friday. I felt AWFUL! I sat there thinking what a terrible Christian I must be, and how ashamed God must be of me. I looked back at how many years I’ve been a Christian (nearly 40) and thought, “I’m still no closer to being what God wants me to be now than what I was then… probably further away, because back then I spent time with God, and really DID come to Him as a little child.”

That’s when God reminded me of my promise – I’d even fail for Him. OK, so if He was willing to accept my failures in what I do, wouldn’t He also accept and forgive my failures in what I don’t do? He was and did! I had my time with God, and the rest of the day went without me worrying about what I had done wrong or right in the past few days. God completly forgave it and wiped it from my chart.