Failure is starting to become a lifestyle

I received a text from one of my daughters today asking when I was going to post on my blog again. My first thought was, "oh no! I've stopped posting, this means I've stopped being brave and stopped failing for God." (see definition of God's Failure here) But as I thought back, I was surprised to discover that I hadn't. I HAVE been remembering to be brave and jump out on a limb. Many times I've fallen flat on my face, but instead of feeling like I failed, I felt like I'd been God's failure - failing in what I hoped to do, but succeeding in "doing". And I wasn't letting it keep me from being brave. I wasn't going back too often to lick my wounds and hide in a cave.

My failures have lost me a friend or two and cost me humiliation and nightmares. But I'm starting to notice that not all of my failures are failures. Some have failed what I expected, but I'm finding they have succeeded at greater things. And some haven't failed at all! I'm also discovering that God is building my faith. Not my faith in Him - I've not ever had a problem with that, but faith in what He would CHOOSE to do in me. And for once, I'm starting to think that one person CAN make a difference - and with God, that one person can even be me!

Am I abandoning my blog? By no means! But I'm realizing I'm turning a corner. I'm becoming the person that God wanted me to become all along. And since I'll never reach that goal fully until I reach Heaven's gates, I'll always have reason to blog.

So what have I done lately? I've joined our church choir. I've gotten brave enough to go talk to people at our church without waiting for them to come to me (OK, I'm not doing a GREAT job of that yet, but it's far braver than I used to be until I got to know them really well). I've agreed to be nominated for Co-Leader for our homeschooling group. I've even led several Mom's meetings in our homeschooling group. I'm also getting brave at what I put on Facebook - my beliefs, things I feel led to take a stand for and other personal issues!

I have come a long way, believe it or not. But I'll readily admit I have far to go. Thanks for traveling through this with me, and thanks, Nicole, for reminding me to get back on here and post!

VBStarts are now for sale!

I've finally set up the webpage (although Facebook won't allow me to post it). The VBStarts are now for sale. You can find the webpage here (http://abbadesigns.99k.org/). Since Facebook isn't allowing me to share it, I'll share it through this post. :-) Ha! So if you belong to a small church or other Christian group, and don't think your group could do a VBS program (due to price or size) this is for you! And if you belong to a group that just needs a kick-start to designing your own program, this is for you! For more information, check out the above mentioned webpage and get to know the VBStart!

My amazing life

My life is incredible! I've been watching satan attack in so many ways lately; verbal attacks from friends, attacks to my health in the way of Fibromyalgia and back trouble, having to say goodbye to friends who are moving away, attacks on my children (I've been watching them get hurt by their own friends and relatives - and watching their dreams get dashed) and attacks on my own self esteem. But lately I've been getting glimpses behind the scenes. I've watched lives touched and even changed because of how we've reacted or dealt with these things. I've watched God do some special and amazing things that remind me who is in charge and what kind of power He has. And because He has this omnipotence and yet I still go through these attacks by satan, He reminds me that He DOES have control and that all things DO work out - not only for His good... not only for the good of those around me... but for MY good. And because of this beautiful reminder, I can stand up and proudly say that my life is incredible. The problems that I deal with are the exact problems that God is going to use to make me spiritually and emotionally stronger. The more I think about this, the more excited I get about it. This is nothing new, of course! God's been doing this all my life!

While I was being bullied all through school, God was using it to make me who I am today. While I dealt with sexual molestation from a non-relative that I should have been able to trust, God was using it to grow me into a woman who could understand and help others with similar problems. While I dealt with emotional abuse in high school and college, He was helping me figure out who I was and what I wanted. When I had 5 miscarriages, He was teaching me a whole new view on the meaning of death that many Christians never understand. And even while I dealt with spiritual abuse just 7+ years ago (and in some ways, I'm just now seeing how that mess is still having a negative affect on how I deal with certain things), He was making me into a woman who didn't just accept everything simply because it came from a spiritual leader!

So as God allows these different problems in my life, I can honestly sit here this evening and THANK Him for them. No, the thankfulness doesn't come easy (one day I'll blog on sacrifices and what they REALLY are) but as God continues to show me His absolute love for me, I really can thank Him for the trials that are giving clarity to my life that I've not noticed before.

I apologize that lately this blog hasn't been so much a record of my failing for Christ in my day-to-day life. But I'm seeing how it's becoming a place for me to take a stand online and to be willing to be a failure for Christ in a place where comments are allowed (which means I can be attacked for what I post, which means it terrifies me to be open and post my true feelings...). So when I make a post like this, I AM being willing to be God's failure.

... and I must say, it's AWFULLY hard to actually push the "publish" button after a blog like this.

I DID it!

I DID it! I've finally finished writing my VBS programs! They are awaiting proofreading by my husband and daughter, and then they will be ready to sell. If anyone knows of a small church that can't afford a VBS program, or feels they are too small to host one, please send them my information! These are called VBStarts and they are a complete program (each one even has it's own theme song) plus lots of tips and suggestions on how to run a VBS program with a small amount of money and just a few volunteers! The three programs I have completed (Christmas in the Summer, Hot Summer, and God is Better) have already been tested and successfully run in a small church setting. I will be setting up a page soon with information to make it easier to get the word out, but until then, have them email me at watkins.family.business@gmail.com

Light at the End of the Tunnel

I officially have 1 of my VBS programs (I call them VBStarts) FINISHED! Yes, completely finished! I have it printed out, and it's awaiting some proofreading! Not only do I have that one ready, I have 2 more completely finished but not yet printed out! AND I have FINALLY found the "report covers" for them. Before now I couldn't find report covers that would hold this many pages (1 of them is 28 pages long) and I really didn't want to punch holes in it or simply shove it in a folder. I finally found report covers that held up to 30 pages! And they're nice looking ones too. I'm SO excited.


So, does anyone come from a church that is interested in purchasing a complete VBS program for only $30? Topics available are: Christmas in the Summer, God is Better, and Hot Summer. Each one comes with lots of tips on running a VBS with a small church, crafts, lessons, daily opening programs and a big closing program... oh! And a original theme song.

Loved

To explain the background of today, let me say this: I've always been a "glass half-empty" sort of person. No, that's not true. Honestly, I've always been a "just throw the glass away, it wouldn't hold water long anyway" sort of person! I always look on the dark side of things. I must have been born during an eclipse. I go through many different ways of trying to look on the bright side, but my natural impulse always pulls me to the dark side first. In the past few days, I've been talking with a friend who has been challenging me to a "Pollyanna" way of thinking. So I've been trying... really I have!!!


I woke up early this morning! Didn't want to, but I did. And as I lay in bed, trying to convince myself I had a chance of going back to sleep, I pulled my dog, Anya up closer to me and cuddled with her. As usual, I couldn't resist giving her a hug, a kiss, and patting her as I told her what a good girl she was. Somehow, in the middle of doing this, I started thinking about how much love this little dog gets! Even though my kids all have dogs of their own, they all really love Anya too! So does my husband. 


As I thought about this, I went to the dark side. I looked at this loved little dog, and thought - I wish I were loved this much. Suddenly - faster than it takes to tell it, I was whipped around to the bright side as I realized I AM loved this much! I am loved MORE! And immediately I was surrounded with an overwhelming feeling of how much God loves me. I pictured Him holding me, hugging me, and calling me His good girl.


I know God loves me! I've known that since before I ever sang the song, "Jesus Loves Me". But with my natural disposition to look at the dark side; every time I think "God loves me", I either follow it up with, "God loves everyone" or "But I'm always letting Him down". How sad that I take a love greater than anyone can imagine, and turn it into something easily brushed off and unimportant. But not today! Today, after receiving what felt like mental whiplash, I saw His love for me through the eyes of my dog.


Lord, let me always have the wisdom of my dog when it comes to Your love. Let me know that even when I don't see/feel You, You still love me. Help me remember that when You have to scold or punish me for something, or let me go through something that doesn't seem right or fair, You do it out of love for me. Like my dog, let me trust in Your love's strength and power no matter what! Help me be watching and waiting for any and all signs of Your love and recognize each sign as a complete and fulfilling sign of how important I am in Your eyes, no matter what I do wrong. And Lord, like my dog, help me to see each sign as an open invitation to jump up into Your lap and receive the full treatment! Thank You, Lord, for this beautiful reminder!


1 John 3:1a: See what great love the Father has LAVISHED on us, that we should be called children of God! (NIV - emphasis mine)
Eph 3:17b-19: And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord's holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge - that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. (NIV)

Anya

More like the me I want to be!

It's been awhile since I've written, but as I looked at my last blog, I'm happy to say I've made some progress in the right direction. Thanks to two friends (Thank you SO much, Laurey & Darla) who decided they too needed to make some changes, and held me sweetly and kindly to a higher standard in gratitude, my attitude has really changed. Oh, I still get mad at people who do stupid things. I got mad at a car behind me who honked at me because the 3 cars ahead of me didn't stop at the stop light because no one was coming and I did. I also chuckle about it because I suspect she honked because she expected me to go and almost rear-ended me because I didn't. But the level of anger is much lower than what it had become in the past. By the way, I HIGHLY recommend this site (http://www.reviveourhearts.com/challenge/) for challenges to better yourself.


Life in general hasn't changed! But the way I look at it has. Now if only I can figure out an extreme makeover for my body! ! !

Being Brave: a Rant on Having Babies

OK, for the 4th time in about 2 weeks, someone has announced that they chose NOT to have children because they can't bring a child into a world that is as bad as our world is. All 4 of these people are Christians. 1 of them said it with innocent sincerity, but 3 of them said it quite pridefully as if they were thinking ahead unlike the rest of the dummies in this world. I smile, nod and try to be accepting of this way of thinking, but I can't take it any more. I'm going to give this rant a "success" label because I'm going out on that limb to tell how I see it... Going to stand up for God - even if it means I end up failing for Him.

Any Christian who says they refuse to bring children into this world because of how bad the world is, is either blind or very nearsighted. They obviously have forgotten that we are not born for THIS world! This is not our home. If all I had to look forward to is the stuff I do in this world, I'd be worse than a failure, I'd be dirt! Thankfully, my time here is short. My eternity will be spent in Heaven with God. When you bring a child into this world, you do something that you will never accomplish with all your other loves; dogs, cats, fish, birds, money, possessions, or power. You bring in something with a soul and you can be helping provide that soul with an eternal position in Heaven.

Chose not to have kids, if that's your desire. I know plenty of people who made that decision, and I fully support them in it. But bragging that you're doing it because this world isn't the place for your child and you just brag on how short-sighted your world view really is.

Hang on, here we go!

Another quick post.

Yesterday, my mother and I made a deal! We're pulling each other out of our comfort zones and going to take a step we're afraid of. By the end of the year, we will both have one of our writings finished, and will have made at least 1 attempt at selling it. When Mom first suggested it, I didn't want to take it seriously, but coupled with the fact that I've started up the blog again, I couldn't ignore it.

I have LOTS of things I've written in a notebook, on computer files etc. But I've never gotten brave enough to try and sell any since high school (I had several published in a high school publication and 1 actually purchased and published by a Christian magazine). I hate rejection! I don't even like criticism or helpful suggestions! But I made a promise, and I'm going to keep it!

A busy week of successes and failures

It's been a busy week. Actually two. There have been successes (me being me during a "Mom's Night Out" with other homeschooling Moms) and failures (This week's yard sale). Mostly it's been a week of me rediscovering who the real me is! I'm realizing that there have been people who have been "safe" enough that I've always pretty much been myself with (I'm sure you know who you are). As I'm figuring out how to correctly be God's Failure, these people won't likely notice much of a difference. Being around them has almost always been so freeing for me!

Thursday morning was the first day of the yard sale (selling my brother's things he had to leave behind when he moved to California so I could send him the money for it). I arrived at 7:30 and people were already coming (we open at 8 - it's in the newspaper and all of the signs). So we hurriedly got it all set and opened at 7:45. By the end of the day, my brother got a little more than $30 but my aunt and uncle had put things in this sale and they earned nearly $400! Friday's yard sale was different. Total for my brother AND aunt and uncle for the whole day was $59. Saturday was worse! On Saturday, someone STOLE one of my uncle's tools and we took in very little. I should have stopped on Thursday. By the end, my aunt and uncle STILL didn't make $400. My brother had only $96.

Thursday evening we got to visit with our friends at the park and that all was great.  Friday evening I went to the Homeschooling "Mom's Night Out". I decided/prayed ahead of time that I'd be myself and take chances (for you, taking chances might mean skydiving. For me, it means being brave enough to say what I think). Sure enough, I got to be myself. I spoke up on things and just had a great time... until I got home and sent an email thanking the hostess. I included a joke about a game we had played, and two days later I got an email from her that indicated that she didn't realize it was a joke. She thought I had been offended. I quickly wrote off an explanation and calmed her fears, but I felt awful that she'd not understood it was a joke.

It's finally Monday and this week looks to be a calm one. My newsletters are both written for this month, the yard sale is over and there appears to be nothing except a Homeschooling meeting where I can really screw things up. I'll keep you posted! :-)

Another big success

I'm a shy one at parties. Even family gatherings! I never know what to say, never know who to talk to. Always afraid I'll interrupt a conversation or go where I'm not wanted. How do I deal with this? I sit somewhere and let people come to me. It usually leads to very boring parties, but at least it's safe.


My nephew's birthday was today. We were invited over with other family members for dinner and cake. I didn't go into the situation thinking, "I'm going to do it differently this time". I just went. At first there was nowhere to go and be "safe". But soon I forgot about being safe. I just went in with family members, sat down, and ate. I wasn't as shy as usual, and I even opened up and stepped out of the "safety zone" a few times. 


The thing that stands out most to me, however, is how I reacted around the video camera. Usually when the camera gets turned my way, I shy away. I pretend I'm not noticing the camera and try to act natural (while hiding or escaping if at all possible). If someone catches me doing it and calls me on it, I pretend I just hadn't noticed by turning and smiling for the camera. But that's it! THIS time, without even thinking twice about it, when the camera turned my way, I hammed it up and waved real big at the camera. It wasn't until the camera turned away that I thought, "Who was THAT? Who just waved and STOOD OUT when the camera passed by? Surely that wasn't ME!" But it WAS me! It was the me that God has wanted me to be all this time. And I'm just now realizing it. It's OK to tease and actually stand out instead of always trying to blend it.


What's next? Am I going to buy bright colored clothing now? LOL!

Success - and boy what a success!!!!

Last Tuesday (September 21, 2010), Dave & I celebrated our 25th wedding anniversary! I'm ashamed to admit that we both had fallen away and taken each other for granted. Our marriage while looking good to most people around us, was as steady as a 102-year-old woman with a broken hip standing on a shaky stepladder. For several months, I'd been trying to figure out how to make things better. Dave seemed to be find with things the way they were, but I wasn't.

On our anniversary, Dave took me out, spent time with me, and told me he realized he's been taking me for granted. He told me God had suddenly revealed to him that I'm his manna from heaven. He told me that God provided the manna for the Israelites. It had all the nutrients they needed. It was ALL they needed. And yet the Israelites complained. They didn't appreciate that God had provided, they wanted something different. Dave told me there was nothing wrong with the manna. It hadn't changed. But their attitude toward it had changed. Dave apologized for taking me for granted and has often called me his manna from heaven ever since.

Since our anniversary was on a Tuesday, Dave saved this following weekend for the biggest part of the celebration. He got a reservation for Friday night at a motel (with a whirlpool in the room). He took me out to a nice restaurant and he spent time and attention on me. Late Friday night, I suddenly realized something: Dave really thinks I'm beautiful! It's not something he just says because he's supposed to. He REALLY believes it.

For those who don't know me, I'm not beautiful. I'm not even pretty. And I've been so convinced that no one could find anything beautiful about me (especially since I put on weight with each pregnancy and after two bouts of Bells Palsy left me with a crooked face) that I have just assumed he was saying it because he knew he should. Friday night, I realized how unfair I'd been to Dave! Instead of being astonished, thankful and completely overwhelmed by the fact that he really thinks I'm beautiful, I've always shrugged his complements off as something husbands say to their wives to keep them happy.

Once that realization hit me, I suddenly began to feel REALLY loved. I felt taller, skinnier, and prettier. But what I felt most was how grateful I was to have a man who has loved me all these years. I was in love! More than when we first married. And our marriage has suddenly gotten strong. No longer on a shaky ladder, we're more like a 25 year old rock-climber standing on a solid parking lot.

Success at last!

Yesterday I got to watch an awesome God doing what He does best - orchestrate! And I got to be a small part of that... twice!

My friend & I have a weekly Bible Study. Yesterday we got together and she was beyond agitated. To keep from being specific, things weren't going the way she expected, and she wasn't getting any direction from God. We had time to talk it over, and then we got into the book we were studying - which hit directly on the situation she was dealing with. So naturally, we went back to discussing it. Finally she got the direction she was looking for. By the time it was time for me to leave, she thanked me for helping her find peace in the situation. That was the first time.

My daughter has been looking for a dog for more than a year. She wants a female dachshund - not red - and she had a list of what she was looking for. She even had a name already picked out. She had saved up $150 and couldn't go over that price. Yet somehow we weren't finding anything. She always had a great attitude about it; "When God has the right one, He will let me know."

Yesterday afternoon, she came in with yet another "Mom, I think I found a dachshund" from Hoosier Topics. But the tone in her voice was different. I looked and immediately I knew this was it. I've NEVER felt that way about any of the others. I told her to call. As she was dialing, she told me it was in our city. I told her to get directions, we WOULD go out and see these. She handed the phone over to me so I could find out how to get to this woman's house and suddenly we discovered we had something in common; she and my friend (see above story) knew each other. As we talked, Lynn suddenly realized these were puppies she had asked about back in July. Back then, the woman was asking $400 for them. This was a more than reasonable price for piebald dachshunds, but Lynn couldn't go over $150 - which was her current asking  price.

We scheduled a time to go out and see these pups. There were only 3 females left. They handed her the one she had asked about first (the smallest). She held it and it snuggled up with her immediately. She handed that one over to me and picked up the second one. It didn't take long before she was sure the first one was the one she wanted. She excitedly paid her money and as we drove home, we started counting how many ways God not only confirmed that THIS was the litter her puppy would be from, but even confirming that she had chosen the right puppy. We realized He confirmed it and re-confirmed and even reinforced it after that. There was no doubt.

The rest of the day, I was just so thankful that God had indeed been showing His hand in our lives!